Milestones

Learning to live with the fact that I am not the size of a supermodel, nor will I ever be, has been a constant struggle in my life. I can blame it on a lot of things - watching my mother diet all of my life, believing she only finds me worthy if and when I'm thin, watching my size 4 sister eat whatever she wants and not gain an ounce. But it really is my fault. I have been ashamed of my body for as long as I can remember - even when I was thin, as pictures prove. Strange, isn't it, how powerful your psyche can be?

The milestone I hit last Friday was seeing 200 lbs on the scale.

I've been telling a lot of people, mostly close friends, to erase the power of that number. It's working for the most part. I've been to my doctor to talk about the fact that I have gained about 20 pounds over the past 6 months and want to rule out any medical issues. She was less than helpful, pretty much telling me that I'm eating too much. I am being tested for thyroid problems, celiac disease, and blood sugar issues, so we'll see how that turns out. I'm off dairy for a couple of weeks to try and get a handle on the IBS, and may try a gluten-free diet as well if the "cow free zone" doesn't do anything. She also went so far as to suggest weight loss medication. When I expressed some surprise that I'd be a candidate, seeing as how I'm not morbidly obese, she said to me "well, at 200 lbs, you're well on your way." Gee, thanks, Doc.

I'm also taking matters into my own hands. Still in therapy to deal with my body issues, and that's going well. Going to see a dietician, to devise an eating plan around my strange work hours and my digestive issues. And after the epiphany that plus-size clothing stores start at size 14, of which I belong, I now have some better options for dressing myself in clothes that are actually made for women, not girls. Halleluja. Still working out, and feeling good about that.

That's the good thing about milestones - they are not the end of a journey, they just mark a place.