Bland = Blarg
So, now I'm seeing a nutritionist. From here on, referred to as The Nazi.
It's been good so far. She's very knowledgeable about stomach issues like mine. A little too knowledgeable, it turns out.
My studiously healthy diet may be the culprit. All those whole grains and non-soluable fibres. You know, the brown bread and salad. I've always liked the fact that I like that stuff. I would pick whole grain bread over white bread any day of the week and twice on Sundays. I'd rather have a salad with my burger than french fries.
Good for me, right?
Wrong!
Turns out all that stuff can irritate the gut. And with a gut that's constantly irritated - kind of like my personality, really - it just leads to all kinds of plumbing problems.
So now I'm on a bland diet. Like, really bland. Elevator Muzak bland. For breakfast I had a third - yes, a THIRD - of a plain white bagel with 1 tablespoon of light cream cheese, an egg, and a cup of peppermint tea. No coffee, just tea. For a snack I had a slice - yes, ONE SLICE - of light swiss cheese and a small banana. And more tea. For lunch I get a bowl of chicken vegetable soup, a white dinner roll, and 6 soda crackers. I think I'll skip the fucking tea. Afternoon snack is two slices of turkey and another roll. Dinner is meat and very well cooked vegetables. Oh, I'm also off starch at dinner for awhile, to "kick-start" my metabolism. It's going to need more than a kick-start with this diet, let me tell you. It's going to need a can of gasoline and a blow torch.
All this is meant to "calm my stomach down." Oh, it's calm alright. It's fucking comatose at this point. I find myself longing for the days when I could have plain oatmeal for breafast. It would be a party in my mouth, I swear! The wasa crackers and salt/sugar free peanut butter is a distant memory. Why didn't I appreciate it while I had it? Chicago was right - you don't know what you got until it's gone. And I found out a little too late.
Hopefully it doesn't take long to resolve these latest digestive issues, because I can't wait to eat normally again. Unfortunately for The Nazi, "normally" won't really cut it anymore. No more letting it all go on the weekends. I can't afford to sabotage myself, because it's affecting my health - and my waistline - a little too much.
But a little plain oatmeal would taste pretty good right now. So would a cardboard box. Can't eat that, either. Too much fibre.
It's been good so far. She's very knowledgeable about stomach issues like mine. A little too knowledgeable, it turns out.
My studiously healthy diet may be the culprit. All those whole grains and non-soluable fibres. You know, the brown bread and salad. I've always liked the fact that I like that stuff. I would pick whole grain bread over white bread any day of the week and twice on Sundays. I'd rather have a salad with my burger than french fries.
Good for me, right?
Wrong!
Turns out all that stuff can irritate the gut. And with a gut that's constantly irritated - kind of like my personality, really - it just leads to all kinds of plumbing problems.
So now I'm on a bland diet. Like, really bland. Elevator Muzak bland. For breakfast I had a third - yes, a THIRD - of a plain white bagel with 1 tablespoon of light cream cheese, an egg, and a cup of peppermint tea. No coffee, just tea. For a snack I had a slice - yes, ONE SLICE - of light swiss cheese and a small banana. And more tea. For lunch I get a bowl of chicken vegetable soup, a white dinner roll, and 6 soda crackers. I think I'll skip the fucking tea. Afternoon snack is two slices of turkey and another roll. Dinner is meat and very well cooked vegetables. Oh, I'm also off starch at dinner for awhile, to "kick-start" my metabolism. It's going to need more than a kick-start with this diet, let me tell you. It's going to need a can of gasoline and a blow torch.
All this is meant to "calm my stomach down." Oh, it's calm alright. It's fucking comatose at this point. I find myself longing for the days when I could have plain oatmeal for breafast. It would be a party in my mouth, I swear! The wasa crackers and salt/sugar free peanut butter is a distant memory. Why didn't I appreciate it while I had it? Chicago was right - you don't know what you got until it's gone. And I found out a little too late.
Hopefully it doesn't take long to resolve these latest digestive issues, because I can't wait to eat normally again. Unfortunately for The Nazi, "normally" won't really cut it anymore. No more letting it all go on the weekends. I can't afford to sabotage myself, because it's affecting my health - and my waistline - a little too much.
But a little plain oatmeal would taste pretty good right now. So would a cardboard box. Can't eat that, either. Too much fibre.
posted by TeeBee at 8:28 a.m.
2 Comments:
Hey, why don't you get the FUCK out of this blog and shove your spam messages up your ass? x2
Nard!
Thanks Betty - you took the words right out of my mouth! Now have word verification on for comments. ;)
Post a Comment
<< Home