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Bright Yellow Pee and Other Miracles of Modern Medicine

So I got to see the inside of my eyeball today. Not to sound too much like a science geek, but it was WAY COOL!

Background - I have a condition called Migraine Equivalent. I experience the aura of a migraine without getting the pain. Which is much better than the other way around, if you ask me. I've had it for years, and the aura event always follows the same pattern. Until Tuesday, when instead of 40 minutes or so, it lasted all day. So I went to the doctor, who sent me to an opthamologist. He spotted a shadow on my left retina, so he sent me to the hospital eye clinic for a test called a Fluorescein Angiogram. They dialated my pupils - always fun - then injected a yellow dye into a vein in my arm and took pictures of my eyes as the dye moved through the blood vessels.

It had to be one of the freakier experiences of my life thus far. The pupil dialating part always sucks - you basically can't see for shit for a few hours - but the picture-taking was OK. Then when they turned on the lights, everything was pink for about 30 seconds! And the grooviest side effect of all - my pee is bright yellow for the next day or so as my body gets rid of the dye. and when I say bright yellow I mean Bright Fucking Yellow. This is definitely not a colour found anywhere in nature. But it sure looks cool. And here comes the science geek again - I'm wondering what would happen if I drank blue Kool-Aid ...

Celebrity Poop

So, Alec Baldwin has now apologized for calling his daughter a disgusting pig. While I don't condone his behaviour in the least, I think what he really should be apologizing for is being so monumentally stupid, he didn't figure his phone message would end up in cyberspace. As one of my colleagues so astutely pointed out when the whole thing broke - you can't fart anymore without it ending up on Youtube or TMZ. I initially thought sweet little Ireland leaked it herself, but that's apparently not the case. Too bad - if I had been her, I would have been bawling on CNN within an hour of hearing it. The poor girl is caught in the middle of that horrific trainwreck that is the Baldwin/Basinger divorce, which would totally justify her using it as ammo. A girl's gotta fight back somehow.

Rosie's gone from The View as of June. What's truely unfortunately is that she'll still be on the planet. I cannot. fucking. stand. her. Big mouth and no brain = annoying to the nth degree. And all this "ooh, ooh, ABC and Babwa Wawa were embarassed by her." Whatever - the woman drew better ratings than Britney Spears shaving her head. Every time Rosie opened her mouth and stuck her foot in it - which was pretty much every single time - the execs at ABC started rubbing their hands together in glee. I did like some of the late night jokes, though. Jay Leno said the news was so big, they woke Barbara up in the middle of the show to tell her. Insert rim shot here.

And Richard Gere is now a wanted man in India, after planting a good one on a Bollywood actress during an AIDS charity event. The buzzes on the cheek flagrantly defied the country's purity laws. It's outrageous that the actress has now been charged as well, because a judge figured she didn't do enough to stop Gere from "assaulting" her. What's even worse - I suspect Gere did it on purpose to make a point, then hightailed his ass back to the U-S-of-A where you can rape a woman and get a slap on the wrist and a "bad boy" by the courts. While I of course don't agree with the laws, "when in Rome" man. He should go back and face the charges like a man. At least he kissed a woman and didn't do anything obscene with a hamster.

More Windmills Of My Mind

I was leaving the gym the other day when I saw a woman pulling out of a parking space, workout top on, with a cigarette between her lips. What the fuck? I mean, if you're going to pay money for a gym, shouldn't you quit smoking? Or quit the gym and then you'll have more money for butts. I'm just saying.

One of the ZZ's is pathologically affectionate. And I mean PATHOLOGICALLY. When I get up in the morning and I'm getting dressed, he'll sit on my dresser and try to climb onto my shoulders. He looks genuinely distressed when he can't do it. The other one just bites my toes, which has gotten me into the habit of putting my socks on first. And let me tell you, there is NUTHIN more attractive than an overweight woman with nothing but slouch socks on looking back at you in the mirror at 4am. Playboy, here I come.

Speaking of nuthin, I am fascinated by my daughter's vocabulary. Watching a 5 year old try to figure out the impossible-to-figure-out English language should be a spectator sport. She says "gunna" instead of "going to," "gooder" instead of "better," "fishes" instead of "fish," that kind of thing. Well, actually, it's "fishies," but that's my fault. You know, the things that, when you try to make English make sense, actually make sense. I think she should wrote a book.

After having watched Oprah's show on housewife lesbians, I'm pretty sure I'm not one of them. OK, very sure. While I find women's naked bodies attractive in an empirical sort of way - compared to, say, men's naked bodies (ew, gross) - I've never been attracted to a woman in that way. But I must say, even if I was a lesbian, I'd fight it. I could never date a woman. They're way too fucked up. I should know. At least men are simple. Stupid sometimes, but simple.

I am extremely pissed off at the media coverage given to Betty Krawczyk, the 78 year old raging environmentalist who was just given 10 months in jail. Sorry, lady, but if you break the law as many times as you have, you go to prison. And you didn't just break the law, you defied court order after court order telling you what not to do. And when the judge offered you a conditional sentence - to be served at home - or hours of community service, you said "no." It was jail or nothing for you. So guess what you got? Exactly what you deserve. If you're hardy enough to camp out on a bluff or lay down on a logging road, you can stand a few months in a cushy women's prison. Suck it up, lady.

The Joy of Sleeping With Cats

Thank you for picking up this copy of "The Joy of Sleeping With Cats." If you're reading the back of this book, you are acknowledging that you a) want to sleep with cats, or b) are already sleeping with cats and want to improve your cat-sleeping experience. However, we feel we must clarify - this book is about sleeping with cats only in an innocent, non-sexual way. If you're interested in something else, we're sure the clerk at the front of the store can help you. Or there's always the internet.

The following is a chapter summary of the contents of "The Joy of Sleeping With Cats." We appreciate your interest, Dear Reader, and we're sure you'll be well satisfied if you choose to purchase this book.

1. It Won't Leave The Bedroom - Now What?
Whether it's a precious new kitten or a grown up tomcat, all cats want, need, and seek out human contact. And where do most humans spend a lot of their time? In bed, of course! This chapter will guide you into accepting things you cannot change - like your cat's penchant for sleeping with you. It will also explain why common techniques like closing your door won't work - unless of course you love the sound of yowling at 3:00 am.

2. Cat Scratch Fever
Learn the common signs that your cat is preparing to settle down for the night. Foot-chasing, burrowing, kneading and loud purring - right next to your ear, of course - are extensively covered. We'll teach you a fabulous meditation to use while your cat goes through the complex, lengthy, and hard-to-understand bedtime routine.

3. Defying The Laws of Physics
A common question among cat owners -- "how can something so small take up so much room???" Our colour-coded charts and graphs explain in minute detail how a 10 lb cat slowly and insidiously pushes you off to a corner of the bed over the course of the evening. We have several techniques to help you relax and stay comfortable even as your cat sleeps directly on top of your head, smack between your splayed legs, or spread out in the crook of your neck. Morning stretching routines also provided.

4. One Pussy Too Many
Yes, a cat can be a crowd in a two-person bed - but really, how much sex do you need? Cats are like children, after all. The last thing you want is a cat walking in on you and your partner. Or staying for the show. We provide tips on cooling your ardour, since once you let a cat start sleeping with you, your sex life is basically over.

5. Tag-Teaming Tabbies
If sleeping with one cat is a joy, sleeping with two or more is absolute rapture! Take all of the advice above and multiply it by a factor of 10! We have shopping tips on picking out a king sized bed and yoga poses to stay comfortable while squishing yourself into a fetal position roughly the size of a basketball.

6. Just Call Them Angels of the Morning
It's guaranteed that your cat will want to sleep longer in the morning than you. After all, the poor thing needs its beauty sleep to prepare for a long day of napping, lazing around, and ignoring you. This final chapter will give you a few techniques for easing out of bed gently enough to not wake your precious bundle. You may have to step on your partner's head to do it, but that's a secondary issue.

From the authors that brought you "Help! My Cat Won't Leave Me Alone" and "If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em - the Fine Art of People Training For Cats," "The Joy of Sleeping With Cats" makes a fine addition to bedside tables everywhere. You're not sleeping, after all, so why not do a little reading? Enjoy!

I Say It's My Birthday

I thought this would be an appropriate day to rescue my blog, which has been mouldering in a dark corner of my mind for the last couple of weeks.

Thoughts on my birthday:

I don't feel any older than I did yesterday. In fact, I don't feel any older than I did 10 years ago.

I think 37 still qualifies as "mid-30's." Next year will definitely be pushing it. Can finally admit that "late-20's" just isn't cutting it anymore.

Am fine with my age. In fact, more than fine. My 30's have seen a huge jump in my self-confidence, my career, my family, and just as importantly, my sex drive. To all those scientists who say a woman hits her sexual stride in her 30's, I say "yes, yes, yes, YES, YES, OH YES, YEEESSSSS!"

Having a bit more trouble with the concept of 40. Like the Olympics, it's just 3 years away. And like the Olympics, I have a lot to do to make sure my 40th year comes in on time and on budget.

Anna Nicole Smith and I were the same age when she died. What a fucking train wreck she was. Very glad I have my life and not hers. It's extremely sad, but at the same time, she's at least not torturing herself anymore. Let's hope whoever gets custody of that little girl is a better parent than Anna Nicole would have been. Quite frankly, they couldn't be much worse.

Edited to add: OK, just found out she was 39, not 36. But still.