More Windmills Of My Mind

I was leaving the gym the other day when I saw a woman pulling out of a parking space, workout top on, with a cigarette between her lips. What the fuck? I mean, if you're going to pay money for a gym, shouldn't you quit smoking? Or quit the gym and then you'll have more money for butts. I'm just saying.

One of the ZZ's is pathologically affectionate. And I mean PATHOLOGICALLY. When I get up in the morning and I'm getting dressed, he'll sit on my dresser and try to climb onto my shoulders. He looks genuinely distressed when he can't do it. The other one just bites my toes, which has gotten me into the habit of putting my socks on first. And let me tell you, there is NUTHIN more attractive than an overweight woman with nothing but slouch socks on looking back at you in the mirror at 4am. Playboy, here I come.

Speaking of nuthin, I am fascinated by my daughter's vocabulary. Watching a 5 year old try to figure out the impossible-to-figure-out English language should be a spectator sport. She says "gunna" instead of "going to," "gooder" instead of "better," "fishes" instead of "fish," that kind of thing. Well, actually, it's "fishies," but that's my fault. You know, the things that, when you try to make English make sense, actually make sense. I think she should wrote a book.

After having watched Oprah's show on housewife lesbians, I'm pretty sure I'm not one of them. OK, very sure. While I find women's naked bodies attractive in an empirical sort of way - compared to, say, men's naked bodies (ew, gross) - I've never been attracted to a woman in that way. But I must say, even if I was a lesbian, I'd fight it. I could never date a woman. They're way too fucked up. I should know. At least men are simple. Stupid sometimes, but simple.

I am extremely pissed off at the media coverage given to Betty Krawczyk, the 78 year old raging environmentalist who was just given 10 months in jail. Sorry, lady, but if you break the law as many times as you have, you go to prison. And you didn't just break the law, you defied court order after court order telling you what not to do. And when the judge offered you a conditional sentence - to be served at home - or hours of community service, you said "no." It was jail or nothing for you. So guess what you got? Exactly what you deserve. If you're hardy enough to camp out on a bluff or lay down on a logging road, you can stand a few months in a cushy women's prison. Suck it up, lady.

The Joy of Sleeping With Cats

Thank you for picking up this copy of "The Joy of Sleeping With Cats." If you're reading the back of this book, you are acknowledging that you a) want to sleep with cats, or b) are already sleeping with cats and want to improve your cat-sleeping experience. However, we feel we must clarify - this book is about sleeping with cats only in an innocent, non-sexual way. If you're interested in something else, we're sure the clerk at the front of the store can help you. Or there's always the internet.

The following is a chapter summary of the contents of "The Joy of Sleeping With Cats." We appreciate your interest, Dear Reader, and we're sure you'll be well satisfied if you choose to purchase this book.

1. It Won't Leave The Bedroom - Now What?
Whether it's a precious new kitten or a grown up tomcat, all cats want, need, and seek out human contact. And where do most humans spend a lot of their time? In bed, of course! This chapter will guide you into accepting things you cannot change - like your cat's penchant for sleeping with you. It will also explain why common techniques like closing your door won't work - unless of course you love the sound of yowling at 3:00 am.

2. Cat Scratch Fever
Learn the common signs that your cat is preparing to settle down for the night. Foot-chasing, burrowing, kneading and loud purring - right next to your ear, of course - are extensively covered. We'll teach you a fabulous meditation to use while your cat goes through the complex, lengthy, and hard-to-understand bedtime routine.

3. Defying The Laws of Physics
A common question among cat owners -- "how can something so small take up so much room???" Our colour-coded charts and graphs explain in minute detail how a 10 lb cat slowly and insidiously pushes you off to a corner of the bed over the course of the evening. We have several techniques to help you relax and stay comfortable even as your cat sleeps directly on top of your head, smack between your splayed legs, or spread out in the crook of your neck. Morning stretching routines also provided.

4. One Pussy Too Many
Yes, a cat can be a crowd in a two-person bed - but really, how much sex do you need? Cats are like children, after all. The last thing you want is a cat walking in on you and your partner. Or staying for the show. We provide tips on cooling your ardour, since once you let a cat start sleeping with you, your sex life is basically over.

5. Tag-Teaming Tabbies
If sleeping with one cat is a joy, sleeping with two or more is absolute rapture! Take all of the advice above and multiply it by a factor of 10! We have shopping tips on picking out a king sized bed and yoga poses to stay comfortable while squishing yourself into a fetal position roughly the size of a basketball.

6. Just Call Them Angels of the Morning
It's guaranteed that your cat will want to sleep longer in the morning than you. After all, the poor thing needs its beauty sleep to prepare for a long day of napping, lazing around, and ignoring you. This final chapter will give you a few techniques for easing out of bed gently enough to not wake your precious bundle. You may have to step on your partner's head to do it, but that's a secondary issue.

From the authors that brought you "Help! My Cat Won't Leave Me Alone" and "If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em - the Fine Art of People Training For Cats," "The Joy of Sleeping With Cats" makes a fine addition to bedside tables everywhere. You're not sleeping, after all, so why not do a little reading? Enjoy!